WHY DID YOU GO AWAY?

 
Despite the fact that Baba was no longer in His physical body and there was no one who would or could ever take His place, His lovers still came in groups from all over the world for a week at a time. In the morning the Westerners came to Guruprasad, and in the afternoons the Easterners, with musical offerings to their Beloved. Baba's grace rained upon us, and love poured forth from all His lovers.

Some who had been fortunate enough to have been in Baba's physical presence were terribly pained by His physical absence, and they wept loudly as they bowed down before His chair. Ironically, those of us who had been most deeply wounded by losing Baba were suddenly called upon to console them.

However, we witnessed the force of Baba's Divine Presence as His love touched those who had never met Him. The love that poured from their open hearts day after day gave us respite from our sorrow as the darshan continued, and the numbness we had experienced began to melt temporarily. We could all feel Baba deeply within us, saying, "My work has to go on. My love will sustain you. I am here with you."

Shanta Devi, who owned Guruprasad, was at the darshan for a number of days. On the first day, after she had greeted Mehera and Mani at the doorway, she came into the hall to greet me. As she turned to look back at Mehera, she suddenly said, "It's like Baba standing there." Although Mehera didn't physically resemble Baba, she did look different to me, and I was to overhear remarks of this kind rather frequently from then on.

At the end of three months we had to face the inevitable and lonely return to Meherazad. All of us were still grieving, and I often sat quietly, thinking about different moments with Baba. He had left the body when a violent spasm seized Him and stopped His breathing. My mind kept returning to the day, months earlier, when a spasm in His leg had thrown my arm into the air while I was massaging Him. The look in His eyes had been trying to convey to me that a spasm would bring about His death. I also now understood the grey shadows I had seen on His beautiful face.

Around this time I had another dream of Baba in which He was seated on a bed. His face was white and dark blue, and His eyes were almond shaped. I knew that He had dropped His body, and I stood in the corner of the room, looking at Him, feeling very sad. Baba extended His hands to me, and I asked, "Baba, what should I do?"

He gestured to me that He was giving me His hands, so why didn't I take them? Since He was not in His body, I wondered how I could. But then I gently took His hands in mine, kissed them, and pressed them to my eyes. I began to sob but was unable to really cry. I said internally, "Oh Baba, why did you go away?" and then awoke sobbing.