STEPS OF LOVE

 
My name is Iran Azendumush, wife of Khodayara Toos. I did not know of Baba in the beginning. When I was a child it was as if I was searching for something, as if I had lost someone and I was looking for him. Wherever I would go, in the temples or wherever, I could not figure out what it was I was looking for. All I felt was that I had someone, something I was looking for, until I became acquainted with Khodayar.

In the beginning, I didn't want to get married at all. Then I became acquainted with Khodayar and he was speaking of Baba. Gradually the love that Baba inspired in my heart became the nucleus of our married life and, also, the love in our marriage. In the beginning, as Khodayar would tell me about Baba, although there were times I would believe what he would say, there were other times that I could not believe what he said, especially when he would speak of these extraordinary things of Baba. Those I could not believe. I would say to myself he was lying, maybe it was just pretense or something.

Finally, though, I started to hit the books — Hafiz, this one, that one — and I gradually advanced. All of these became so familiar to me that I got acquainted with Baba. It was such that whatever I would ask of Baba he would give me, he would arrange it. I did not have a mother from very young childhood and my relatives were very distant relatives. When I was distressed and there was something that I wanted, I would only approach Baba. Baba is my father, Baba is my mother, Baba is my everyone. Whatever I would ask, he would give me.

When I was in Shiraz, I didn't know anyone. When I would get ill, I would just think of Baba. I would then see that Baba was sitting in the chair next to me. He would come from above to down here. He would tap me over the head and my face, like someone restoring my health. Then I would get well and get up and go to my work.

One day I got very ill. I was really sick. I could only expect Baba to come and take me away. I had gone to the doctor, but it had not been effective. I was just waiting for Baba. In that state of sleep and wakefulness, I saw Baba at my side. He took my skin off just like when you take the sheep's skin off. He took off my skin and I didn't say anything. I became well after a few days.

After one or two years we went for Baba's darshan. I asked Baba, if it was his will, he would arrange everything so that I could come, too. Of course, it was very hard for me to believe I could go. All I said was, "Baba, if you really want me to come to your darshan, arrange it so I can come." He arranged it and I went. It was very beautiful. We were there for the four days. We got to know all the Baba lovers and all the new things there.

The first time that I met Baba, I did not know where I was. The state that I was in was very good. I cannot say that I left consciousness. When I would see him, I would tell him I was in that state. I would say to myself, "O God, all the people throughout history, all the Zoroastrians, who know that a great person is to come — they should know our father. Where are they? They should raise their heads from their graves and see that the person they have been expecting for many years has come now. But unfortunately they are old now, immaterial. They don't know this great one who has come owns the two worlds ..." I can't explain any further, all of this was in my mind at that time.

We were very happy. We had Baba's darshan in Bombay Centre and we kissed his feet. Then we went to Guruprasad. There, at Guruprasad, Baba asked for all the people from Iran. He touched everyone with his touch of grace and then told us to go. When it was time for us to leave, I told Baba, "Baba, we can't leave you and we can't live without you."

Baba said, "Don't worry. Just remember me at all times. I am with you. Think of me."

When the darshan was over and everyone was leaving Guruprasad, I was there and I just couldn't leave. This feeling was so strong in me that I did not want to leave Guruprasad. I did not want to leave Baba. It was very difficult for me. Everybody was saying good-bye and I was constantly telling Khodayar, "I don't want to leave. How can you possibly go to Iran? How can you make yourself leave Baba? Let us stay and remain here." But we had to leave.

In Bombay, whenever they would ask me to go here or there — I would say, "I don't want to go anywhere." We stayed at the house of Kasaho Asaree. I told him, "This is the way that I feel. I can't go back to Iran. I am going mad." (Now that I am telling this, I am beginning to feel just the way I did then.)

He told me, "Don't worry. We'll go back to Baba." Kasaho Asaree soothed my feelings a little bit with what he said. He told me if I was very upset I could go back to Baba. It so happened that everyone had gone for Baba's darshan except Kasaho Asaree. He said, "Okay, we can go together," and so we went together.

When we reached Poona, they told Baba that a few of the Iranians had come to see him. It was in the evening. Baba gave us permission to go and visit him. When we saw Baba, we saw he was much more beautiful and much more radiant than before. He looked just like an angel. We all had his darshan again ... Khodayar and Khodadar, Kasaho Asaree and myself. When I saw Baba looking so beautiful, like an angel, I thought of circling him seven times. It didn't take seven times. After going around him two times, Baba gestured for me to come and bow down to his feet, I kissed Baba's feet, then we left. This was a little bit of solace to my heart. There was nothing else we could do. We had to go. When we returned to Iran, we would have letters from Baba and write in return.

During the four days of darshan at Poona, one day about 9:30 a.m., Baba sent his own car — to the Zoroastrian Hotel where the Iranians were staying. Parichaar, a lady from Pakistan who know our language, had come to tell us that all the ladies who wanted to, could go and see the women mandali. But it so happened that there was nobody else there, I was the only one left. I told Parichaar I didn't know the language but Parichaar said, "Come, I will help you." So she came with us to Guruprasad.

It was Baba's own doing. They told me that Baba was in his room there, so I fell behind his door and kissed the threshold of the door. Then all of a sudden, I couldn't feel myself anymore. I lost my normal consciousness. All the ladies came — Mehera, Dr. Goher, Mani, Baba's sister. They patted me ... they raised me and sat me in the chair. Baba's sister went and made a cold drink for me. I couldn't understand anything. I only wanted Baba. I didn't know where I was. They would constantly keep asking me what my name was, and I would answer "Iran." But they thought I was telling them I was from Iran. They asked this 2 or 3 times. Finally, I managed to tell them my name was Iran. With their speech and their kind pattings, they gradually got me out of the state that I was in. Then in the afternoon, they brought us back to the hotel in the same car.

After we returned back to Iran, every now and then I would sit and remember Baba and think of Baba. Khodayar was translating Baba's work. While I was a wife with children, difficulties would arise. I would remember Baba's name and he himself would take care of it all. He was God who knew Himself; whenever I have needed help, he himself has helped me a great deal. My love is all his. We're all his and he himself has taken us ahead.

There is no way I can speak the words that I want. Suffice it to say that whenever I have needed help, I have thought of him and he has helped me. Many times in this very house as I would work, I would be thinking of Baba. I would see that Baba was following me. I would also see Baba in the yard, here and there, with Eruch he would be walking and speaking; he would be gesturing to me and things like that.

I have dreamt of him many times. Before I went to Baba's darshan, I was pregnant with my third child. I had a dream of Baba one night. I saw that Baba was at the well with some sort of an Indian there. I had not yet seen Baba. As soon as I saw Baba I was very happy I had finally managed to see him. I asked him, "Baba, when did you arrive? You didn't let us know that you were coming. Khodayar is very anxious to see you."

He told me, "My nazar is constantly with Khodayar and I am with him. He can't see me but I am seeing him now." It was just like this. All of our lives he himself is guiding all of our actions. Whenever we need help, he helps, and he has helped me so much. There are no words to express it. What else can I say?

This point I am going to make is very important because some people say Baba died and he passed away. But Baba is not dead; he is living in everybody. Baba is living in everybody; he is not dead. For example is this incident, when you were going to come here. Twenty-four hours before you arrived, I was sitting in our yard. As I usually sit and think of Baba, then I was thinking to myself, "Oh Baba, if we could just see, for an instant, what you see behind your own eyes; if we could know what goes on behind your eyes, how good that would be. If you would show to us, how nice it would be ... this world and Baba are nothing but love."

All of a sudden my head bent over and I went into a mood. I don't want to pretend that I saw anything — no, I didn't see anything -– but it was just that my eyes turned up to the sky — just like this, for a moment — and I gazed there for a minute so that I might see something. But I didn't see anything Yet after twenty-four hours, your telegram arrived saying you were coming. Then Baba gave me nothing but Love.

In this way he proved to me that Baba is Love and is service. He guided you into our house. I am very grateful to you for coming to our house and for you to take movies of us and tape our conversations. I am very grateful. Your steps, which are steps of love which Baba has guided to our house, I kiss them and I say Jai Baba to all the Baba-lovers and to all the listeners and viewers.

Recorded by Irwin Luck; translated by Farhad Shafa