I HAVE COME NOT TO TEACH BUT TO AWAKEN

 
The day after my arrival in India in 1939, Baba sent for me, had me place my chair so that I faced Him exactly almost knee to knee, and then after looking at me for a moment spelled on His alphabet board, "Now you are here, are you going to stay?"

To say the least of it I was much taken aback. I had left my country, crossed the seas of danger, and arrived penniless in India. All this at Baba's direct order.

When Baba said this to me I seemed unable to answer Him. I almost wanted to go back. Friends had not spared me their opinions of my running away from the war, not wanting to help, etc., etc.

Therefore, instead of immediately replying that of course I only wanted to stay with Baba, I protected myself by asking, "Baba why don't You tell me what to do? You always do."

Baba then helped me by saying, "I want this to be your choice, but 100 percent I should like you to stay." That of course clinched the matter. I saw my stupidity and said that I really wished to stay with Baba.

This, however, was not the last of the matter. Everyone at that time in the ashram seemed contented and happy to be there.

I, however, had the remnants of a wild break with my country, and gradually a kind of pride (I assure you totally unrecognized by myself) arose, making me feel that I must be a good disciple, staying there when I was not sure that I really wanted to.

One day Baba sent for me and said lovingly, "You are a jewel of a disciple, staying here when you don't really want to." I, however, was not yet ready to see what He was trying to show me and smilingly accepted the comment.

A few months later He again sent for me and again said, "You are a jewel of a disciple, staying here when you don't really want to."

Immediately I remembered that once before He had used exactly the same words to me, but this time I was ready for it and was overwhelmed when I saw the ridiculous pride that had been growing within me.

I burst into tears and said, "Oh, now Baba I understand what You mean."

He sat there smiling, loving, and finally after my outburst and recovery from shame we laughed together, but I can assure you that that particular piece of pride did not return. Others did, of course.

If Baba had told me of my growing pride I feel sure it would not have had the same effect as when He used another way of waking me from my self-satisfied slumber.