I AM HERE, I AM HERE, I AM HERE

 
When Baba veiled His visible physical form in 1969, I was suddenly at a loss as to how to relate to Him. As I sat or stood outside the Samadhi during that first week of February 1969 and watched His lovers taking darshan, it became clear to me that Baba was still actively greeting His lovers and showering them with His love. But the question arose in my mind, "Where is Baba as Meher Baba, that dynamic Avataric personality? His body is in the crypt, this is clear, but where exactly is the Source, the Powerhouse, of the love His lovers feel?"

During the next few years, in the early '70s, I would be struck time and time again by Baba's active dispensation of love to those who would visit Him in the Samadhi. People would also pour into Meherazad from all over the world at all hours of the day and share their stories of Baba's loving presence in their lives, felt especially when they were in the Samadhi. I was drenched in the showers of their love for Baba as the Eternal Beloved, but my mind would ask "But where is the fountain that is showering us with this living water of Love?"

In talking to Indian Baba-lovers and listening to their stories, I also felt Baba's love very strongly. I would often be reminded of places I had been with Baba and of darshan programs I had attended, especially those at Guruprasad. Various incidents of my life with Baba would be replayed in my mind with sudden vividness. Each time, my heart felt illumined as if a light had been turned on. But again my mind asked, "But where is the generator that is providing the power?"

With Meher Baba's veiling of His physical body, the form which had been the focus of my thoughts and feelings for so many years, I felt as if my link to Baba had in some way been disrupted. I would inwardly ask Baba, "Where are You?"

.... My mind was in a state of extended suspense awaiting a resolution to this turmoil which would appeal to my heart. Some years later this distressing problem was finally resolved by an experience which, even to this day, I find difficult to categorize.

One morning in May 1987, I was resting on my bed at Meherazad.... While resting, I suddenly found myself in the midst of a kind of "waking dream." I saw myself standing on the platform in front of the Samadhi at Meherabad, just to the right of the door. There was no furniture as there is now, no cabinets or benches. No one else was present. It was all blissfully quiet when, most unexpectedly and to my great surprise and joy, I saw Meher Baba and Eruch, one of His dear disciples, coming up the slope from the south.

As they approached the platform, Baba asked Eruch to wait at its edge. He then walked gracefully towards the door of the Samadhi, His arms swinging, hair flowing, His eyes flashing brilliantly. He gave me a glance of deep intimacy that words cannot convey, then entered the Samadhi. I waited with great anticipation for Him to come out, trying to decide how I would greet Him. "Should I bow down to Him, do this, or that ... or what?"

Just then, from inside the Samadhi, I heard a deep voice with a sweet ring to it, and the words resounded, "I AM HERE, I AM HERE, I AM HERE." These words reverberated throughout my whole being. Just then I heard someone calling my name, saying that the car was ready to go to the Trust Office. As I opened my eyes, I found myself uttering the word "EVER."

My heart was filled with an inexpressible joy. I felt deep within me that Baba had clearly shown me: HE IS THERE, HE IS THERE, HE IS THERE, in the Samadhi, as the Ancient One, ever divinely vibrant, responding to the calls of those who visit Him for darshan, or think of Him wherever they may be.