A HIDDEN VOLCANO

 
The most important point is that I had no one at all to guide me; it was all in absolute innocence on my part. No one had spoken or even hinted to me about such things. Most tragically for me, there was no check whatsoever on my miserable state by anyone around me....

Not only was there in me this terrific dreadful pull of lust-feeling, but an identical pull of physical love also played an equally predominant role in my early life. Soon I became a perfect Romeo, even at that young age. I vividly recollect even now after so many years how one evening when I must have been around only seven years of age all of a sudden, without any cause or provocation, and all on my own, I boldly told a charming beautiful married relative-lady, "I love you VERY much."

Here also it is important to note that, as in the case of a most terrific innermost feeling of searching for God in me right from my childhood, the inner pull of lust-feeling and physical love also sprang up exactly in the same manner from within me and to the same depth: a hidden volcano propelled by some mysterious hidden force of past lives coming out onto the surface by itself.

The physical love soon took such terrific and quick strides with such amazing intensity and speed that although I was then so very young and perfectly innocent, all, including the lady herself, got alarmed. The climax was reached when one day I found myself writing poems about my relative-lady and her charms and beauty. The depth of my love for her must have envied and baffled even Romeo and Juliet, Majnun and Laila, and all the others of their kind traditionally known.

In spite of all the baffling criticisms and beastly suspicions, I continued loving her with all absolute true sincere love and remained undaunted by anything or anyone, and this was, I repeat, in an extreme form. Even I myself then did not know — as even now — how and why I loved her so very deeply, which was indeed beyond human comprehension....

Thus we see that a very amazing tug-of-war between "God-hunt" on one side and "lust-love-feeling" on the other commenced and continued in my life from the very early days. Because of my tremendous love for the lovely relative-lady, we both suffered at the hands of all concerned, who could neither stand nor understand such a terrific love in me for her when I was only a child.