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CONTENTS
YOUR HANDS
DON'T EVER SNAP
REMEMBRANCE
EVERYONE CARRIES A WOUND ABOUT
THE 99 NAMES OF GOD
BABA, THIS IS STUPID STUFF
YOU TOOK MIRACULOUSLY HUMAN FORM
IF IT IS GOD'S FIRE
PICTURES OF YOU
SWIMMING TO YOU
WHO ARE YOU AND WHERE HAVE YOU COME FROM?
THE MARIGOLDS IN MY BELOVED'S EYES
THANK YOU FOR THE CHANGE
NOTES FROM A RAILROAD CROSSING
THE CALL
O SHORELESS OCEAN, YOU ARE TOO MUCH FOR ME
THREE'S A CROWD, TWO'S A RAGING MOB
MAKE IT A SWEET ONE
IT'S NOT WORDS THAT DECEIVE
YOUR HANDS
Baba, it's Your hands I love the most
those finely-chiseled fingers
cascading torrents of eloquence
fervent fingers, bright birds swinging and dancing
through the tangled jungles of our ignorance
Your hands so handsome in repose
or strong fingers all aglow
massaging the pain of the world
or the rivers of Grace gliding
easily over Your open palms
into the thirsty hearts of Your lovers
the butterfly of my soul
alights on Your finger
delights in Your perfect stillness
lingers
You dip Your hands into a river
lift them out
and a thousand new universes overflow
Your cupped palms, start to live...
and in a high-rise apartment in some distant city
someone is suddenly able to forgive
it's our hands that make our humanity
our fingers the visible tendrils
of our desiring
shaping the world into our likeness
but Your hands, Your hands God's laughter
Your hands golden ladles
pouring from the bottomless well
of Infinity
Your hands gather the dumb and scattered stars
into twisting spirals of intelligence...
He's got the whole wide universe in His hands
He's got our own little Milky Way in His hands
He's got you and me brother/sister in His hands
He's got...
and Your fingers, Your star-kissed fingers
untwist the closed jars
of our hearts
the butterfly of my heart
alights on Your finger
delights in your perfect stillness
lingers
so much of Your body
was broken
but never Your hands
light streams through Your fingertips
love dances in Your palms
the three rings you wear
Knowledge, Power, Bliss
in this crazy life
if there's one thing I'm sure of
it's this:
the butterfly of my soul
alights on Your finger
delights in Your perfect stillness
and lingers
*******
DON'T EVER SNAP
Baba, don't ever snap Your Silence
don't suspend it, bend it, or end it
forge it deeper, stronger, longer
make it muscle out the incessant noise
bring on the much-needed poise
in our hearts, make every day a soundless day
every night a holy night
unleash a Biblical deluge of torrential serenity
flood the world with waves of shattering stillness
capsize the overloaded boats
of our rudderless minds
drown us in Your crowning noiselessness
in our hearts, make every day a soundless day
every night a holy night
pile drive the steel rod of Your quietude
deep into the bedrock of the world soul
then raise high the love beams of Your Name
high into the endless blue of Your sacred hush
at least do this much:
in our hearts, make every day a soundless day
every night a holy night
aim the mighty arrow of Your unutterableness
into the sickened heart of the world's violence
now's the time to unsheath
the divine love-forged sword of Your sealed lips
cut off the head of the devouring word-beast
in our hearts, make every day a soundless day
every night a holy night
Baba, don't ever snap Your Silence
don't suspend it, bend it, or end it
forge it deeper, stronger, longer
let it muscle out the incessant noise
bring on the much-needed poise
in our hearts, make every day a soundless day
and every night a holier night
*******
REMEMBRANCE
Baba, I don't ever want to remember You
remember You?
remembering is for people like me
lost, in desperate need of clues
who've forgotten
whose deep heart is stuffed...
with Maya's cotton
why would I need to remember You?
when I wake up in the morning
and there's a cobra on my chest
do I try to remember it?
I've been looking into Your eyes
for countless ages now
waiting for You to strike...
remember?
Baba, please don't ever
let me remember You
that means You left
and I'm left with only a memory
memories float on the sea of time
the ocean floor is littered
with their broken shells
I have no memories of You
I've never spent any time with You
because in truth
we're one beyond the mind
You don't remember me either
since You alone exist
Baba, I don't ever want to remember You
remember You?
remembering is for people like me
lost, in desperate need of clues
who've forgotten
whose deep heart is stuffed...
with Maya's cotton
well, ok...remember You...
once told me to love You
more and more
now I can say
please love Yourself more and more in me...
better yet, let's forget about me
totally love Yourself in all
so remembering can be forgotten
once and for all
Baba, I don't ever
want to remember You
*******
EVERYONE CARRIES A WOUND ABOUT
everyone carries a wound about
inside
that will not heal
this fact can be proven
by the sense of hearing
late at night
when the dogs are barking
and the birds do not sing
there's something else out there, howling, searching
it's that part of ourselves we cast out
abandon in the dark alleyways of our night
if one walks slowly
and pricks up one's ears
late at night
when everything about is quiet
one hears, for instance,
the rattling of a mirror
not firmly attached to a wall
it's that part of ourselves we cast out
begging us, pleading with us to gaze into the mirror
I compress my wound into a sliver
of dark light
late at night
when everything about is quiet
I sneak up to the hill
I slip it into the tiny crack
between the threshold
and the closed Samadhi door
I slip my wound into the tiny crack
between the threshold
and the closed Samadhi door
I listen. I wait.
everyone carries a wound about
inside
that will not heal
cherish it
it's your ticket of admission...
to the Garden of the Beloved
when my portion of His Light
spills out of that infinitesimal crack
between the threshold
and the closed Samadhi door
when my small portion of His magnificent, glorious Divine Light
spills out of that infinitesimal crack
between the threshold
and the closed Samadhi door
I roll it up into a ball
and push it under your door
for you to use, my friend,
against those moments
when your pain is too great
for you to use
against the moments
when the pain is too great
everyone carries a wound about
inside
that will not heal
cherish it
it's your ticket of admission...
to the Garden of the Beloved
*******
THE 99 NAMES OF GOD
the Names of God
ancient colonnades of fire
cluster bombs of Truth, Mercy
high-wired
the in-breaths of ancestral choirs
the last book of Psalms
the first time I saw her...
Ya Allah al Rafi—the Exalter
Ezad
The Kamli coat
the Names of God
a peacock's milk
a soft parade of unfurling roses
the secret language of silkworm eggs
pathways to attain the supreme normality
the last Hebrew still following Moses
the pain of love like a poem's mortality...
Ya Allah al Sami—the All-Hearing
Ezad
Rumi's quilt
the Names of God
gently descending flamingo feathers
the Great White shark's unblinking eyes
when or how that look in her eye...
a swan's down, its head up
the elongated who am I
the red belly of the black widow spider
Ya Allah al Halim—the Clement One
Ezad
Shivaji's stirrup
the Names of God
Teuscher Swiss chocolates, Venetian canals
the Phantom Coupe Rolls Royce
destroyers of the banal
and the illusion of choice
the desperation in her voice...
what else could I do but cry
Ya Allah al Haqq—the Truth
Ezad
the satin pearl of Great Price
the Names of God
flaming brimstones of wrath
the undulating hairs of caterpillars
Zoroaster's sash
conventional-mind killers
those long conversations and she...
flingers of obvious rhymes into the holiness of space
Ya Allah al Mumit—the Destroyer
Ezad
A sapphire's grace
the Names of God
they're on this bus
they're breathing down my neck
they're stirring up the dust
I see now they were in her wounded heart...
we spin. we collide. we part.
they're in the warp and woof of when
Ya Allah al Hasib, the Reckoner
Ezad
the infinitesimal speck, the Om
the 99 Names of God
*******
BABA, THIS IS STUPID STUFF
Baba, this is stupid stuff
I've heard enough—
the stories, the glories
of those who climb
the mountain of God...
the wine
Baba, ready or not here I come
I'm climbing...into Your cage
I'm not afraid, I've come of age
I want to hear Your roar
not your Silence
open the door
floor me
bring on the spiritual violence
in one perfect leap go ahead
shred me head to feet
Your hot breath turns red
yet Your eyes so sweet
defeat
Baba, I ain't lyin'
bare Your teeth
be the Lion!
let's get it over with
I'm jumping in Your cage
I'm taking up Your dare
enough
enough of this spiritual nightmare
Baba, I'm not looking for happiness or peace
I just want to feel
Your fangs rip open my chest
Your claws savage my beast
my flaws Your feast
least
of all when I call Your name
I want to see Your golden mane
Your glorious paw on my jugular vein
You're the One no one can tame...
I'm insane
*******
YOU TOOK MIRACULOUSLY HUMAN FORM
You took miraculously human form
just to inform us
You are not that body
to find You elsewhere
You pointed at and gestured out
so many letters and words
just to tell us You are forever silent
You delivered so many discourses
just to let us know You did not come to teach
You expressed disappointment
at our dismal failure to live God's precepts
then You tell us it all had to happen
if there is blame, You are to blame
You said there's no way out of this mess
except for You to come into our midst
and then You leave us an ever-worsening one
You said Your mission was to bring together
all religions like beads on one string
and yet today Christians and Muslims
Jews and Hindus, Buddhists and Sikhs
are like bombs on one tense trip-wire
all the nations of the world, You predicted,
would join together in brotherly love
singing God's praises
borders and barriers, walls and check-points
would come crashing down
instead the world is one big squabbling
dysfunctional family
Godless
determined to destroy its own habitat
You alarmed us when You said
three-fourths of the world had to go
then You confused us when You explained
You were speaking in a language
beyond our comprehension
You painted a beautiful picture of a new humanity
hearts awakened, faces all aglow
with the experience of oneness
but today people of the world
circle their wagons to protect their
me-you, us-them, we-they
creeds, cultures, lifestyles and worn-out values
from contamination
You said what was going to happen
hadn't happened in a billion years
and would not repeat for another billion
but so far today's awful news
is the same as yesterday's
and tomorrow's probably more of the same
nothing You promised to make happen
has happened
except one thing
the only thing that really matters
the miracle is
I love You more
*******
IF IT IS GOD'S FIRE
if it is God's Fire that ignites
into being the most-first atom
then what takes my heart so long
His true Love to fathom?
if the Light in God's eye is also
the sparkle from the nugget of gold
then why not His perpetual gleam
inside the darkness of my soul?
if God's face can appear on a tree
just outside His beloved's window
where she wept and wept unseen
the why not on the rough bark of me?
if God's hands can be seen
in the traceless flutter of blackbird wings
then what hand weighs down my spirit
that so wants to soar and sing?
if the dolphin's masterly threading
of wind, water and waves
offers a hint of God's ever graceful ways
then why must I stumble, continue to sin?
if God's unblinking mystery
stares through the cobra's fierce eye
then why am I so afraid to fully embrace
the Truth of my own inner sky?
If God's feet can be heard
in the lion's ferocious tread
then what weight of fear stops my legs
from charging to Him full-speed ahead?
if God can infuse all of Himself
into a chosen young man
then why don't I empty myself
so He can do it again and again?
if God's face can appear on a tree
just outside His beloved's window
where she wept and wept unseen
then why not on the rough bark of me?
*******
PICTURES OF YOU
but how would I know You
except for my pictures of You
they hang on my walls
and the walls of my heart
yes, there You are
the Friend beaming down
I'm safe and secure
Your smile boring
right through me
reassuring
my pictures of You
and over there, on that wall,
that granite look of displeasure
meant for another
yet somehow meant
only for me
I become nothing with nowhere to hide
and on this wall
the ancient Father
indulgent and wise
eternally forgiven, I need look no farther
than my pictures of You
and on this wall
You're God the Mother
tender yet pained
like Mary
to infant Jesus
I become Your only son
the one You've been
waiting for
I'm special
open the door
walk me through my pictures of You
they're all there
the whole spectrum
of feeling
tucked and buried inside my pictures of You
they're not really You
they're just my pictures of You
my own creations
if I could just let go, release
I'd find the Peace
underpainting my images of You
I'd find the Love
the brush that paints the smile
the Truth framing that frown
yet I cling to my familiar
pictures of You
they're how I know You
and how I keep
from knowing You
it's my usual waltz—
I'm awake, yet I sleep
curled up next to my exquisitely true/false
pictures of You
*******
SWIMMING TO YOU
yesterday in the Samadhi
I dove through
the marble surface
down down down
I plunged into the Ocean of You
just when I saw
the shimmering white pearl of Your face
far off in the fathomless deep
my lungs started to burst
I couldn't keep up the pace
I panicked and floated up
back into myself...
since I'm afraid to call it Love
capital L
let's call it swimming
lately I've been training
for that big Ocean feat
in Your Olympic-sized pool
I'm up to 50 laps now
every morning I run five miles
along Your beach psyching myself up
for that far-off day
when I crash through the wild surf of Your smile
and keep on going
some days I snorkel close to shore
delighting in those exotic
sea creatures just below Your surface...
since I'm afraid to call it Love
capital L
let's call it swimming
to be honest most of the time
I'm content to splash and play
in Your baby pool
in just two feet of water
singing songs of praise to You
sipping margaritas
the water not too cold
not too deep everything
just right, my preferences
set to normal
welcome to my world, Baba
won't You come on in...
since I'm afraid to call it Love
capital L
let's call it swimming
I'm going to take up windsurfing next
I want to fly across the surface
of Your waves
feel the strong breeze of Your breath
on my cheeks
I want to discover
what lies beyond the far horizon of Your gaze
I want to explore that endless space
get to know the hidden currents
map out this thing
that one day's going to swallow me
without a trace...
Baba, since I'm afraid to call it Love
capital L
can we call it ... swimming?
*******
WHO ARE YOU AND WHERE HAVE YOU COME FROM?
who are you and where have You come from?
what greater mystery is there than You?
where are You now?
is Your invisible presence in all things at all times?
how can we really know You?
darkness and light, strife and love
are they really Your making?
when will it ever end?
what is love?
what is it in You that sets fire
to whatever it touches?
why do You keep coming back?
why don't You ever finish the job?
what will I feel when I finally see You?
am I afraid to know You?
what is love? did you make it?
are you looking through the eyes
of all creatures? what do You see?
why have You made it so hard?
darkness and light, strife and love
when will it ever end?
are they Your making?
where are you taking us?
who am I speaking to when I call Your name?
who answers?
is there one gigantic web of life
that ripples when You blink Your eyelash?
is there a way I can be in You more
than I already know how?
if I could look through Your eyes
what would I see?
what greater mystery is there than You?
help me not to think that I know You
help me not to believe that I love You
help me remain a seeker even though I found You
who is it that asks these questions?
who wants to know?
is it You? is it all You?
can there be an ocean without a sky?
*******
THE MARIGOLDS IN MY BELOVED'S EYES
I had a dream once
I dreamt I was blissfully in love
a perfect love, or so it seemed
I was in a pure white room with my beloved
we lived in a big old Victorian mansion
somewhere in New England I think it was
it was autumn
we were in each other's arms
our souls and hearts and bodies merging
I couldn't see her face my eyes closed
I was swimming in a sea of orange and yellow marigolds
like I said, a perfect love...
and then for some stupid reason I can never figure out
I left her so I could rake the leaves
that were accumulating in the yard
I raked and raked and raked
and the more I raked the more
the leaves fell from the trees
and covered the ground
I got so absorbed in raking
the endlessly falling leaves
that I completely forgot about my beloved
this leaf-trance went on for years and years
and maybe even more
my total obsession with making sure
no leaf went unraked
and then suddenly I woke up
as if from a dream within the bigger dream
to the absurdity of what I was doing
I thought, "Oh my God, what have I done?
how could I have neglected my beloved for so long?"
I rushed back to the pure white room
only to find that she was gone
crushed by a deep sense of pain and anger
at my self-inflicted loss
I set out to find her...
and that's when I woke up
my heart heavy with grief...
today the leaves pile up from autumn to autumn
my neighbors complain my yards an eyesore
the hours I spent raking I now spend
staring at her photo, longing
for the days when I didn't care
about the gusts of wind, the falling leaves
or the approach of winter
and all that mattered
were the marigolds in my beloved's eyes
*******
THANK YOU FOR THE CHANGE
summer, 1966
the New Jersey beach, Ocean City
late evening, I'm prowling the boardwalk
a few hours to kill
before my night watchman shift at the hotel
a black man heavily drunk and slobbering
bumps into me
he thrusts his dirty hand into my face
"got any change, man?"
I push his arm away, "no, get away!"
disgusted, I walk on past him
so far, so human
was it You who gave me the change in that moment?
was it You who changed my frightened disgust
to compassion in an instant?
was it You who turned my feet on a dime
and made them walk back to the drunk
was it You who made me say
"I'm not going to give you any money
but if you're hungry I'll buy you a meal
at that diner over there"
and was it You who smiled like that
through those rotten, broken teeth?
as he gratefully devoured
the cheeseburger, french fries and hot coffee
ketchup dribbling down his stubbled chin
was it You who surfed into my heart
on an ocean wave of love
for this stranger, this bum, this human wreck
suddenly now my friend, my brother, my self?
back in my small closet of a room
stretched out on my bed
one hour to kill before clocking in to the night shift
was it You who flooded my being
with wave after wave after wave of oceanic love?
and it was You, wasn't it, who made me realize
that was You in disguise
this poem is for you, my black brother,
wherever you are, whatever your name
thank you for the change
*******
NOTES FROM A RAILROAD CROSSING
did it burrow up from beneath blind and groping
toward a vague suggestion of light or did it
wing in from without an invisible messenger drone
buzzing my ear not sure from where it whirled
i instinctively tracked its songline many lifetimes
until i came to a railroad crossing where amazed onlookers
told tales of a shining lit-from-within express
hurling past at speeds unknown to man
impressed, i pressed my ear to the track
hoping to plug into an audible wake
the steel perhaps still swinging
that express's fleet aftertones the dual bars
sweet sheet music stretching to and from infinity
the high-pitched electric whrrrring
the signature key of that mystery train
seemed to rotate faster the electrons of my being
jumping them up into new shells higher orbits
i asked when the next express was due
someone looked up the schedule posted
behind dirty glass outside the guard box
"sorry to say, not for 700 years," he said.
"you're welcome to join us. we pass our time describing
what we saw of that galactic express,
each from his own angle of view.
we've nothing else better to do."
i spread-eagled on the track my hands grasping the lines
my feet hooked in place tapping the beat
"i have nothing much to say," i said
"i'll just lay here until the next one comes. hopefully
my blood and flesh and smashed bones will paint
the wheels as it races back to its home station."
someone said, "a few courageous ones did just that
this most recent express spotting. if you look closely
you can still see their glittering smears where the sun
strikes the track."
"you mean in only 700 years," I said,
"i too can become a glittering smear?
i don't want a ticket.
think i'll just . . . lay right here."
*******
THE CALL
Baba, something I want
to convey to You but
i don't know what it is
not a question
not an objection
not a poem
or even a song of praise
more elegant than those
deeper closer yet stranger
something more like
a gold filament finer
than any hair
it has nothing to do
with me and yet it's buried
in me it runs from words
a ferret sliding into underbrush
if it was a feeling or mood
i could capture it by simply
waiting and listening
but it's too canny for my strategies
i don't know if I'll ever catch
where or what seems to rustle
beneath the dead leaves inside my heart
or maybe not even inside
perhaps something far out there
something i hear but know not how
or is it Your Call calling
echoing off some wall in me
dying to call home
but struck dumb in me?
*******
O SHORELESS OCEAN, YOU ARE TOO MUCH FOR ME
o faceless Ocean, i can't drink you
sea water's fatal, storms too brutal
your unfathomable depth's for whales
the endless wave-riding's for fools
a watery sun beyond comprehension
for i know you as a humming current
smiling in the blood, your rhythmic heart-waves
caressing gently my curving shore lines
or as a cricket-singing woodland summer pond
noon turtles sunning on logs, by night
the ever-present moonlit croaking frogs
sometimes as a river you run through me
either down to bare trickle or in full spate
sometimes a clear snow-melt mountain freshet
you smooth the ragged boulders of me
or late at night i sense your spirit-canoe
paddling the dark lanes of my black-water swamp
snake and possum hunting, or, once
in a great while, you unfurl from above
an angel falls of foaming love
water-storming thru me
air-born geysers of your grace
transform into fine-mist shrouds of divinity
that drizzle down into the remotest basin
of my untamed venezuelan heart
o shoreless Ocean, you are too much for me
your wild mystery delights much more
dancing through my enclosing
earth-hewn imperfections
*******
THREE'S A CROWD, TWO'S A RAGING MOB
Baba, You say You love me
more than i can ever love myself
well, have i told You i love You more
than i'd ever want to love myself
for i am nearer to You
than myself to myself
in truth i am He whom i love
and He whom i love is me
myself is the loser here
let's kick him out
three's a crowd
then when You're ready
go ahead and evict "me"
from this conversation
since even two's a raging mob
and now we're down to One
*******
MAKE IT A SWEET ONE
i fight you every slow step
of the ever so painfully long way
i kick and scream curse and complain
regularly stand you up for our dates
wearing a halloween mask of true discipleship
a plastic begging bowl i bought at the dollar store
i sleep in late while your sincere lovers
pray before dawn i love only for myself
thinking about this need, that desire
maybe next lifetime i'm pretty busy right now
i'll call You don't call me thanks anyway
alright if i just hang Your photo on the wall
i'll smile at You as i race past busy with accomplishing
i want You i don't want You union Yes separation Yes
i can't kick all of the guests out of my hotel
that's cruel where would they sleep?
i'm happy with the way the furniture's arranged
You can have an altar in that dark corner of the back room
i promise i'll remember to repent there once a day
if i remember sometimes I'm so tired though
i just crash before i know it i'm asleep
i'm asleep Baba goodnight come to me
in my dreams make it a sweet one
*******
IT'S NOT WORDS THAT DECEIVE
if You don't speak
what can i possibly say?
what sliver of light
is worth spilling from my tongue
if Your lips remained sealed?
it's not words that deceive
rather desire to give sound-form
to thoughts, feelings, body itches
and behind that desire
the thoughts, feelings, body itches themselves
consciousness spitting out mirror images
and candid pictures from its own unique camera angle
needing to report everything it sees and hears
how can i cap the highly polished lens so i focus instead
on the innards of this magnificent sleek image machine?
and why doesn't someone teach me the most basic
and final step any great photographer needs to know—
how to turn off the bloody camera?
*******
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