A MOMENT OF SURRENDER

 
Baba says, "For those concerned, the Avatar is greater than God."

Well, that Avatar has made of me one of those who are concerned.

What does it mean to say the Avatar is greater than God? For me it means that Baba is so vast, so boundless, so fathomless, that there is no room left for anything at all outside of Baba. He is the Drop in which is contained the Ocean.

Baba says, "It is truer to say that the universe is in a man than to say a man is in the universe."

In the same way it is truer to say that God is in Meher Baba than to say Meher Baba is in God. How astounding to the mind it is to actually consider that Baba in the declared magnitude of His Self-knowledge leaves no room actually, for the existence of God outside of and beyond Baba, Himself.

The claim of infinity is a claim that can never be grasped or comprehended or even confronted by the finite mind alone. Meher Baba's claim of Godhood, with all that it implies, is a claim that can only be surrendered to. One can never take Baba's claim to one's self, but one must give one's self completely to that claim. And this giving of one's self is only made possible through love and the subsequent obedience arising from that love.

Babajan was God, God in human form and God Beyond as well; yet Meher Baba said to me, "Babajan is in Me." There are many gods with many manifestations, many forms, aspects and attributes; but all of these have their existence in Meher Baba.

When one is with Baba one feels the urge to say, "Baba, you are so wonderful!" But one does not say it because one realizes that such words are silly and trite in the face of Reality. All words, adjectives, verbs, nouns, pronouns are meaningless in the presence of that Reality. That is, I am sure, why Meher Baba was silent.

Those who came to Baba in the early days did not know who in fact Baba really was. And so they were able to swallow the Ocean little by little. Those who come to Him now, however, are obliged to swallow that Ocean in one gulp.

When I heard of Meher Baba there was no time left in which to test out or get adjusted to His claim. I had to simply take it or leave it, or the opportunity would be lost in the flickering of human doubt.

To go to see a Master might be a nice thing, and very rewarding. But to go to see God, believing God to be Him, is a prospect so far beyond nice that it is entirely terrifying. It is this state of complete terror that accompanied me on my way to see Meher Baba that October morning.

As I stepped out of my sandals and across the threshold into Baba's presence, the terror left as if it were stuck to the sandals rather than to me. As I stepped into that room everything stopped, everything except my feet which carried me straight, without faltering, into the waiting arms of the Divine Beloved.

Everything had stopped when Baba embraced me and held my face in front of His and looked into my eyes. The first thing Baba said to me was, "Can you see my face?" (How He said this with hand gestures I don't know, because His cool hands were on my feverish face all the while.)

I replied in a whisper, "Not very well, Baba."

In my reply there was something apologetic, something of disappointment in not being able to give Baba the happiness of my seeing His face. And I think this disappointment, shared by Baba and me, was the closest point that I have ever come to the point of real surrender, for looking back, I see that at that moment I realized that I had no hope and that I was completely and utterly helpless in the hands of God.

Rather than giving me strength, He had taken away all of my strength, so there was nothing for me in that moment but surrender. The tension was gone. I had made my last move, and I had lost.

This was a moment of surrender; I know it was because Baba then said, "Baba wants you to bow down to His feet."

And instantly I obeyed Him.

It is a very rare thing to reach the point of surrender; it is so hard; it is only by the grace of God. It is a rare thing, and it was a very rare thing for Baba to allow any one to bow down to His feet, especially in these last days.

When I went to India in 1965 it was as a seeker, a pilgrim on his way to find and touch the very source of the river of my Self. It was a literal pilgrimage created for me by Baba.

By that pilgrimage I received the gift of His Love. This was for me the end of all search, the pilgrim's goal and the beginning of a pilgrim's progress. I became what is conventionally called a disciple. It was as a disciple that I came to India in 1969. It was as a disciple that I received the darshan that had been prepared for me.

But when I came to India in December, 1971, it was not as a pilgrim nor as a disciple. I came not knowing what I was at all. I came not having any identifiable relationship to Baba. I came without a label. I came like an archaeologist, to uncover if possible the secret of surrender itself.

Three weeks later I went away, leaving that secret as yet uncovered, perfectly at rest in Meher Baba's Tomb.

It is not necessary for me to go to India ever again, for no matter how many times I go and come, I know that I will come away empty-handed. God does not want commuters; he wants instead the individual soul, wherever it finds itself abiding on earth, living from day to day in the Reality of His Love.

So the beggar, having finished his last sojourn to the feet of the Beloved, went away with nothing — nothing, that is, but a prayer. This prayer was learned while on the hilltop of God's samadhi:

Beloved God, help us to love you more and more, and more and more, and still yet more until we become worthy of union with you. And help us to hold fast to Beloved Baba's daaman til the very end.

~~Meher Baba